Internalised
by thatlittleQ
Summary: My name is Quinn Fabray, I'm 20, and I've been here for 4 years. I hate this place, but the doctors say they can help me here.


_Before you read this, I'd like you to know the contents could upset you. It's not something people really talk about, it's something people tend to hide, but I have to deal with it in my job, I know a lot about it, I'm writing about it quite advisely. Consider youself bewarned._

INTERNALISED

_Good morning lady, what's your name?_

My name is Quinn Fabray, I'm 20, and I've been here for 4 years. I'm almost starting to like it.

_Do you feel ready to tell me what happened?_

Yes, I think so.

_Alright then, go on._

I had a baby, you know? Beth. I had her when I was 16, she stayed with me for a while, but then she was taken away from me.

_No, Quinn, it's not going to work this way. I'll see you tomorrow._

* * *

_Good morning Quinn, how do you feel today?_

Good, very good.

_And are you ready? Do you want to tell me your story?_

Sure. I was the most popular girl in high school, you know? Every guy wanted me, and every girl wanted to be me, until the day I got pregnant. My baby Beth... I loved her, but she...left.

_Enough for today, Quinn. Try to sleep and rest tonight._

* * *

_So, Quinn, do you want to tell me the truth?_

I do.

I had a baby 4 years ago. She was beautiful, the most beautiful thing in my life.

_And what happened to her Quinn?_

She died. My baby died.

_Enough, we'll talk about it tomorrow._

* * *

_Tell me about you, Quinn._

My name is Quinn Fabray, I'm 20, and I've been here for 4 years. I hate this place, but the doctors say they can help me here.

It started when I got pregnant of a guy who wasn't even my boyfriend. I wasn't 16 yet,

Before that, I was the most popular girl in high school, you know? Every guy wanted me, and every girl wanted to be me. My parents where so proud of me, especially my father.

I was the President of the Celibacy Club and the Head Cheerleader, I always aspired to become Prom Queen, but it never happened because... Oh well, like I said, I got pregnant. My baby Beth... _Our_ baby Beth, she actually had a father, Puck. I wonder where he is now... Somewhere out there, I guess...

At first I didn't even want to keep her, you know? I almost hated her, she made me so fat, undesiderable... But when they gave her to me for the first time, I knew that she belonged to me, that she was mine, that I'd never be able to let her go. And my mother said we could keep her, that she would help me to raise her.

I've been so selfish...

And naive, in a way: Judy -that's my mother's name- was never there for us, her divorce kept her too busy.

My parents divorced when she found out he was cheating on her, but there were already many problebs between the two of them, apparently, especially since my father threw me out of my own house -have I told you about that? It happened because of the pregnancy thing, you know...

My mother used to drown her thoughts in the alcohol, I thought about doing the same a couple of times, but they told me it would make Beth sick, because of the breast feeding, and I didn't want to hurt my baby.

I wish you saw how beautiful she was, like a doll. I made her sit on my bed once, surrounding her with dolls, the ones my father bought me when I was a kid.

She was the most beautiful of them all, but she didn't keep still, she kept crying and flailing.

She cried all the time, by night, by day, at school... You know, I had to bring her with me, to feed her, but she cried all the time, and everyone stared at me. I was used to that, you know, I like to be stared at, but not _that _way.

Sometimes Puck beat up the guys who made fun of me: he loved me so much, and I love him too. I'd really like to know how he is doing...

As I told you, Beth cried all the time, even when I begged her to stop. She didn't listen to me, she screamed louder instead. Her face became purple, and I was afraid it could explode. She did it on purpose, to hurt and worry me, she knew I'd lose my mind if anything bad happened to her...

I felt lonely, you know? I have many friends, but they didn't understand, not even Puck.

But that afternoon... I just wanted to sleep a bit, you know? I was exhausted, Beth always kept me awake by night, and I didn't get her, sometimes she was hungry, sometimes tired, sometimes she just wanted me to hold her. But it was never enough, and I was so tired of her whims, she tortured me, day in and day out. I just wanted to sleep a bit, but she kept screaming from her cradle, she cried so much.

Maybe she was suffering, maybe something was hurting her and I couldn't see that. But I was suffering too, she hurt me, and she didn't care!

I remember leaving my bed: I wanted to take her into my arms, but she didn't deserve it. If only she shut up...

I remember taking a pillow in my hands, maybe it would calm her down, I thought. I pressed it on her pretty face, again and again. She started to shake, but then... Then she stopped, she stopped crying, she stopped moving. But she was still so beautiful, like a doll, a _real_ doll.

The doctors said it was the post-partum depression...

My name is Quinn Fabray, I'm 20, and I've been here for 4 years. And I killed my daughter.


End file.
